
The gay-wedding business: Tweaking traditions
By Ana Rivas
The best men and the family wear lilac-and-white flowers corsages –or boutonnières like the two grooms. The couple exchanges a pair of multi-colored gold-and-platinum bands with diamonds. Wine and hors-d’oeuvres are served to guests in the garden. After the ceremony, a jazz band starts playing and soon everybody is dancing.
Devin Mulhern and Glenn Mallinson married in Massachusetts in September last year. They had “a full formal wedding with all the traditional elements, except the bride or any religion,” Mulhern put it recently. There was no groom-and-groom miniature on top of the tree-tier chocolate cake either.
Their ceremony and the more than 7300 same-sex weddings held in Massachusetts during the last two years created a civil-rights revolution, but, for the most part, they have reaffirmed longstanding marital celebration traditions. This should not be surprising, because lesbian and gay take part in the larger culture in which marriage represents both an institution and a quite structured public ceremony. As the second anniversary of the day Mass. Court overturned the ban against same-sex marriages approaches on May 17th, a look at how the industry has approached the novel challenge of mounting same-sex marriage reveals that wedding traditions transcend the bounds of sexual orientation.
It might not be the one-groom-one-bride scene in front of the altar, but Sue Hyde, of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force offices in Cambridge, says she understands why most same-sex couples care for traditions. “I am sympathetic to other people feeling that they’ve gone to all this other weddings, of family members, and friends, and workmates, and neighbors, and they would like to have that too.” Besides Hyde’s, 800 of other same-sex weddings were performed in Cambridge, according to Deputy City Clerk Donna P. Lopez.
Same-sex couples are now learning that common cultural language of the celebration of marriage. And the $50-billion-a-year wedding industry has customized its offer, as it promptly responded to the new demand. Last Sunday at the third “Rainbow wedding” expo in Cambridge, more than 50 companies sponsored a tuxedo fashion show with models from the Boston ironsides Rugby team, and the first issue of Rainbow Wedding Network Magazine was distributed, featuring wedding tips, political information, stories and a vendor directory.
Mulhern and Mallinson’s wedding was orchestrated by Jeff Freeman, planner from the company “Signature Created Events.” Freeman helped them to choose invitations, florist, photographer, white limo and caterer. As justice of the peace he not only performed the ceremony but wrote the vows with them.
Wedding planners became so important for gay weddings, according to Hyde, primarily for one reason –ignorance. “There is a lot about the traditions of having a wedding that we don’t know anything about, because we’ve never been in a position to participate in this cultural event,” she explained in her office in Cambridge. “So that’s one aspect of wedding planning that I think distinguishes us as a client group from others.” This is exactly why Lissette Garcia, partner of the wedding planning company “It’s About Time,” said they work exclusively with same-sex couples. “We could offer a service that was needed in our community, and since we are a part of it, who better to go to?” Knowing the needs of their gay clientele is the key, Garcia said.
The marketing for gay and lesbian weddings offers from invitations and gifts to handmade clay figures shaped after a picture of the brides. “Have the cake top created to your exact likeness,” advertises the “Animated Butch-Femme Couple” in Kathryn Hamm’s Gayweddings.com advisory site and online boutique. Hamm’s mother realized there was an under-served market when she was looking for invitations for her daughter’s wedding in 1999. “Revenue has increased with each passing year,” Hamm said. The gay wedding and honeymoon market is estimated to reach $1 billion over a three-year period, according to Community Marketing Inc., a San Francisco-based marketing firm.
At the same time, these firms are marketing more than just customized invitations and miniatures for the cake. “The gay community is very supportive of people who support the gay community,” said Daniel R. Spirer, owner of a jewelry store in Cambridge that has been selling commitment rings to gay couples for 20 years. The online jewelry store, “Love and Pride,” donates 10% of every purchase to the association Marriage Equality, designer Udi Behr said.
“We don’t want to work with any vendors who believe that gay marriage is wrong,” said Kelly Dunn, who is planning a June wedding. She opened a gift registry at Crate and Barrel. The national chain store is one among many others that has revised their forms for gender neutrality: instead of “bride” and “groom,” the terminology is “registrant” and “co-registrant.”
Among traditions Dunn and many other lesbian couples maintain, it is the white gown. She said she is going to wear a “very simple white dress,” and her partner will probably wear a suit. Same-sex couples’ interpretations of the wedding attire include also another more tempting option for designers: two bride gowns or two tuxedos. “It can be very convenient,” a clerk at the Cambridge-based store Classic Tuxedo said, after selling two complete tuxedos to a gay couple a morning last March.
While some options are customized or marketed towards gay and lesbian couples, others remain restricted to them. “We are both Catholic and we cannot have a Catholic ceremony, so we will have to change a few of our ceremony traditions,” Dunn Said. The Unitarian Universalist ceremony they’ll have is usually preferred among gay couples, next to secular and Reformist Jewish ceremonies. “The creative Jewish wedding” is one of the books that have been published lately to meet this need.
Still, the changes on the religious script of the celebration do not affect the core of the cultural traditions, Paula Treckel, a historian of the wedding ceremony in America and a professor at Allegheny College, Pasadena, CA, said. When the gay community asks for “a replication of the marriage partnership,” it is also willing to embrace the traditions involved in the public celebrations of marriage, she said. She said that gay weddings have had little affect upon how marriage is celebrated in our culture. Indeed, perhaps because of the myriad of changes Americans have experienced, the legacy of the traditional wedding ceremony lives on: “Our longing for tradition, security, ties with the past, as well as our hopes for the future, are embodied in this all-important public celebration,” Treckel explained.
One thing Dunn didn’t expect was her family expectations about traditions. “I thought that having a gay wedding would sort of prevent me from having my family getting really involved and saying ‘well of course you will do this tradition, and of course you will do that tradition,’ but that wasn’t true,” Dunn said. It turned out that one of her sisters was very upset that they didn’t want bridesmaids, and finally had to give in. “But she is not allowed to wear an ugly-bridesmaid dress.”